It hasn’t exactly been easy going for me so far. It’s day 16 and I at 11:13 PM I am only at 15,100 words out of the 26,666 I should be at to be on track for 50,000 by the 30th. I’m more than behind, I’m drowning in unwritten words with no relief in sight.
I chose to go with fan fiction this year, expecting it to be easier and for the words to flow because the characters were familiar to me. I wouldn’t be spending hours on research because I know the existing story practically by heart, and I’m just trying to fill in a huge gap in the timeline. It’s all fluffy headcanons and rainbows. It was supposed to be easy.
Instead I’m dragging my feet because the character who’s point of view I chose- Gray- has the emotional eptitude of an angry tom cat. The fluff isn’t coming, only deep inner monologues. I have 30 pages that have encompassed a total of four days in the story, and I have to write about a 6 month period?
What was I thinking?
It’s about this point that I am highly doubting my ability to finish NaNoWriMo or my original, optmistic goal of finishing a much needed fanfic for the Gruvia fandom to fill in that ridiculously long period of development that was so conviently tucked away in a timeskip.
I haven’t had time off work to really focus. Maybe Friday I can get some serious wordage down. Maybe next Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I can word vomit all over Novl’r and get caught up. I have done 9,000 words in a day before.
Here is a snippet of what I have managed to complete.
Now that he was alone with nothing to distract him from what he had seen, Gray stopped denying himself and let the damned nightmare come back to the forefront. If he squinted, the water on the bottle became her blood, rolling through the creases of his fingers. He could feel the thick stickiness and smell the sickening sweetness of it. Her voice echoed in his head, telling him there was no reason to grieve. Her life would always belong to him, as she had always hoped it would.
The fear was still there, deep in the bruised corners of his heart, but before that was anger. Pure, unadulterated rage seeping into his muscles, tightening his jaw and forcing his teeth to grind together. He knew that the dream was more than just a nightmare, it had been a warning. Gray had nightmares of his friends dying, he relived losing Ur and his parents sometimes too, but this was different. The emotions still stuck with him. He had felt the pain of his body and the cool weight of the chain around his neck.
This was a premonition of something to come.
The bottle in his hands frosted over, and the next slosh of beer past his lips was filled with slush. It just pissed him off more. He wanted a goddamn beer to clear his head, not frozen water in beer water.
He wanted to analyze it and figure out how the hell he was supposed to stop it from happening. Gray didn’t want to see anyone he loved hurt, but she didn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve to think the only way her life could be his was if she lost it protecting him. He had spent so much time up until now, always making sure she was safe. He saved her on Tenrou Island. He protected her during the Dragon Festival, and he arrived in time to keep Silver from freezing her.
She didn’t know it, but her life was already his, because without it Gray wasn’t sure what gave him purpose. Saving her was proof that he did more than bring about death, that he could change his path and redirect the curse. His shadow could lurk as close as it wanted but Juvia was always, always hands off. He didn’t know when protecting her had gone from something he did for a friend to something he did specifically for her , but
He had done that by holding her at arms length. The Juvia in the dream had been held there too, because she didn’t know a thing about how damn confused she made him. She didn’t know what he really wanted or what it would do to him. Juvia had gone to her death and taken Gray with her; whatever humanity kept him sane, whatever kept him walking, whatever kept him breathing and his heart beating…
Gray shoved the bottle across the table and knit his hands into his hair.
God dammit, how the hell was he supposed to stop this? All he had at his disposal was a power he couldn’t control and the chilling image of her dead in his arms . Dead for him.